Having faith

It's been years since I wrote fiction. In the last decade, I've read, edited, translated, coached other authors, written a bunch of websites, some poetry, a one woman show and countless workshop descriptions. But I've carefully avoided fiction, and now I know why: I'm not good at it. All the rest comes naturally to me, and the first draft is often pretty close to the final one. Not fiction.

As I am struggling through NanoWriMo, I find myself in a marvelous opportunity to walk my talk about imperfection, in an extreme: it's one thing to embrace imperfection in your life, and it's quite another to work everyday on something while knowing it sucks. For most writers, the main quality of a first draft is that it's terrible. And while that is in some ways liberating, it's also really testing my mettle.

Recently, two different friends talked to me about faith. Not the religious kind, but the kind where you trust that you will be able to transform yourself as needed to bring your full expression into the world. Writing helps me work on faith. In order to keep at it, I have to believe I'll be able to turn this manuscript into something decent at some point. I don't know that yet. As I'm writing, nothing is hinting that I'll have the skill to make it into something that expresses the full complexity of what I hold within. But whether I am ever able to do that, the daily practice of sticking with it is a small step in building a capacity for faith. Because this one is easy: I'm alone with my words, and no one will see nor be impacted if I fail. But I'm hoping it will strengthen my ability to have faith in the face of pressure, of responsibility, of growth in the outside world.

Having faith in oneself is different than having confidence (trust in my existing skills). Having faith implies believing in my ability to develop a skill I have never seen nor tested in myself. It is so hard for us humans to imagine ourselves different from how we are now. Doesn't it make sense that we need to practice it? What could you do in your life to practice faith in your vision for yourself?